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 ... PAGE 2... Some more Funny Stuff from "INSPIRING WORDS" BACKAmerican-Canadian Maritime Communication RESIGNATION Forrest Gump's Entrance Exam Things My Mother Taught Me The Donkey Da Cajun The Ant and The Grasshopper Inner Peace "NEW" School Prayer French Nouns Your Grandma Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- American-Canadian Maritime Communication This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95. CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call. TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- RESIGNATION I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8-year-old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. So... here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause.... "Tag! You're it." TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Forrest Gump's Entrance Exam -- Author Unknown Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven, where he is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We've heard so many good things about you. I must inform you, though, the place is filling up fast, and we've been giving an entrance exam to everyone. The quiz is short, but you need to pass it before you can get into Heaven. Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; Life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on... "I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions and youcan have the night to think about it. So, here it is: 1. What days of the week begin with the letter T? 2. How many seconds are there in a year? ... and... 3. What is God's first name?" Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer all three questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you've had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter T? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking... but, you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one? How many seconds are in a year?" "Now, that one's harder" says Forrest, "but I thought and thought about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says "Twelve! Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says, "Aw, come on, St. Peter, there's gotta be twelve. January second, and February second, and March second..." "Hold it" interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going, and I guess I see your point, but that wasn't what I had in mind. But, I'll give you credit for that one, too. Now, let's go on with the final question. Can you tell me God's first name?" Forrest quickly replied, "Andy." Again, St. Peter asked, "How in the world did you come up with Andy?" Forrest smiled and said, "You know, St. Peter, from that song we all sing in church... "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me." ----- MORAL: THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW. Just because a person does not see or understand things the same way you do, does not mean they are wrong. They are entitled to their own point of view, and it should be considered as important as any other. That's my point of view. Do you agree? TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Things My Mother Taught Me THIS IS ALSO A TYPESET ECARD My Mother taught me LOGIC... "Because I said so, that's why." My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My mother taught me FORESIGHT... "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE... "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL... "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My Mother taught me INTUITION... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My mother taught me RELIGION.... "You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY... "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!" My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.... "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me IRONY.... "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about!" My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." My mother taught me about STAMINA.... "You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished." My mother taught me about JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU... then you'll see what it's like." And she thought no one was listening! TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Donkey Contributed by Barry Pemberton A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say "Hallelujah!". The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say "Amen!". The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. Hallelujah!", shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!", shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!", said the man. With a "Hallelujah," he rode off very proud of his new purchase. The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!", he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no... 'Bible!... Church!... Please Stop!!" shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer... "Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the edge of this mountain, In Jesus' name, AMEN." The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff. "HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man. TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Da Cajun Da Cajun, his name Jean Paul, moved to Arkansas and bought him a donkey from an old farmer for $100. Da farmer agreed to deliver da donkey da next day. Da next day, dat farmer drove up and said, "I'm Sorry, but I have some bad news... the donkey died just last night." "Well, den, just give my money back, yeah." "I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already." "OK, den. Just unload him right dar." "What are you gonna do with dat dead donkey?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!" "Well dats where you wrong. You watch you an you learn how we Cajuns so smart!" A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with dat dead donkey?" "I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made $998." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just dat guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back." TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER - CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER - POLITCALLY CORRECT VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing "We Shall Overcome". Jesse then has the group knell down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Al Gore, re-emerging from his self-imposed exile, exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share" . Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Senator Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed, during a Senate recess, from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood. TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Inner Peace Submitted by JoAnn Doyle I think I've finally found Inner Peace. A friend of mine who happens to be a therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to "finish things I had started." So, today I finished 2 bags of potato chips, a lemon pie, an open carton of Breyers Ice Cream, and a box of chocolate candy I opened last night. You know what? I feel better already. TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "New" School Prayer -- Author Unknown Sometimes it takes a child to point out the source of what IS wrong with our country. Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore, because the word "God" is mentioned, a kid in Arizona wrote the attached NEW School Prayer. ----- Now I sit me down in school, Where praying is against the rule. For this great nation under God, Finds mention of Him very odd. If Scripture now the class recites, It violates the Bill of Rights. And anytime my head I bow Becomes a Federal matter now. Our hair can be purple, orange or green, That's no offense; it's a freedom scene. The law is specific, the law is precise. Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice. For praying in a public hall, Might offend someone with no faith at all. In silence alone we must meditate, God's name is prohibited by the state. We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks. They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible. To quote the Good Book makes me liable. We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen, And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King. It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong, We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong. We can get our condoms and birth controls, Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles. But the Ten Commandments are not allowed, No word of God must reach this crowd. It's scary here I must confess, When chaos reigns the school's a mess. So, Lord, this silent plea I make: Should I be shot; My soul please take! Amen TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- French Nouns A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House," in French, is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So, for fun, she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won!! TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Your Grandma Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your Grandma's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your Grandma, and it was suh-weeeet!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "And your Grandma liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts and says... "Go home, Grandpa, you're drunk!" TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some thoughtful information for those who are daughters, were daughters, have daughters, intend to have daughters, or intend to date a daughter. Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter
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