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 Some FUNNY Stuff from "INSPIRING WORDS" – Inspire21's Free Ezine" BACKThings That Took Me 50 Years To Learn Do You See People In Need? Banner Banners Still having a bad day? Religious Golf Words of Wisdom Murphy's Laws on WORK The Atheist Pays For the teachers... Funny Directions To Follow Not-So-Subtle Letters The Funeral Gasp! MORE of "A Little Levity" - Page 2 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THINGS THAT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN -- By Dave Barry 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, it's full potential, that word would be "meetings." 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of it's glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle... 6. You should not confuse your career with your life. 7. No matter what happens ... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy. 9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 11. Never lick a steak knife. 12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 13. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 15. Your friends love you anyway. TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do You See People In Need? One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, and the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, and minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!" TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Banner Banners Osama bin Laden phoned President George W. Bush. "I had a dream about the United States," said bin Laden. "I could see the whole country, and over every building and home was a banner,"he added. "What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush. "Long Live Osama!" answered the terrorist scum. "I am so glad that you called," said President Bush, because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Afghanistan and it was more beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt, and over every building and home was a big beautiful banner." What did the banner say?" asked Osama. "I don't know," answered President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew." TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse. Read on... 1. The average cost of rehabilitating one seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild, amid cheers and applause from onlookers. One minute later, in full view of everyone, a killer whale ate them both. 2. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman. 3. Two animal right protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs - all 2,000 of them - escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And finally... 5. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. Now, YOUR day's not so bad, is it??? The above was taken from a Florida Newspaper TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Religious Golf There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do. Play golf or give the Sunday service. Shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant, told him he was sick and asked the assistant to take care of the Sunday church service for him. He packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. She went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive, straight as an arrow, four-hundred yards right to the green, where it gently rolled into the cup (as they say in basketball, "nothing but net"). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him." God smiled. "I did. Just think about it... who can he tell?" TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Words of Wisdom 1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away and barefoot. 4. Going to church doesn't make you a holy person any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 7. A closed mouth gathers no feet. 8. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 10. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 11. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 15. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Murphy's Laws on WORK Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.' Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportionalto the number of pens that person is carrying. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. No one gets sick on Wednesdays. The longer the title, the less important the job. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure. TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Atheist Pays There was an atheist living next door to an old woman who was a Christian. Everyday he could hear her praying and praising God for all of the things He had done for her. One day the old woman fell on hard times and had no food in her house. The atheist overheard her praying to God to please send her some food. So, off the atheist goes to the grocery store, thinking he was gonna fix the old gal once and for all. He bought two bags of groceries and, after placing them on her porch, he rang her bell and then hid in some nearby bushes. When the old woman came out of her house, she saw the bags of groceries and started giving thanks to the Lord for sending her the food. At that point, the happy atheist JUMPED from the bushes and shouted, "AH-HA! The Lord didn't send you those groceries! It was I who put them there!!!!" Without a pause, the old woman shot back, "PRAISE YOU DEAR LORD. NOT ONLY DID YOU SEND THE GROCERIES, YOU MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!" TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For the teachers... Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection: To lie about why your child is absent Press 1 To make excuses for why your child did not do his work Press 2 To complain about what we do Press 3 To cuss out staff members Press 4 To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you Press 5 If you want us to raise your child Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone Press 7 To request another teacher for the third time this year Press 8 To complain about bus transportation Press 9 To complain about school lunches Press 0 If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, classwork, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort---Hang up and have a nice day!!! TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Funny Directions To Follow In case you need further proof the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on current consumer goods. On a Sear's hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. "Details inside." (The shoplifter special) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But, it's "just" a suggestion) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!) On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But, wouldn't this save me more time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) That's all for now. But, stay tuned... We all need a good smile every once in a while. TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Not-So-Subtle Letters Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Funeral Gasp! Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good for him. Suddenly he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket. At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes that he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all." Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!" TO THE TOP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MORE of "A Little Levity" - Page 2  |
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